King of nothing

Special Pre-weekend Edition

Well, first of all, happy Halloween to everyone. Speaking of scary stuff, I am still working at Best Buy. I've been thinking about it though, and I am going to stop using Best Buy material in these things. Unless of course something really interesting happens. That said, I need to think of a new source for material. The problem is my life is just not all that interesting right now. I mean the only ideas I have had recently outside of bitching about work are those warning labels on video games. For instance, "rated TEEN: comic mischief." While I am curious as to what exactly constitutes comic mischief, I don't think it is something that I can get a good paragraph out of, and I like to write long entries (as my often frustrated readers must know). So, what I have decided to do, is open this up to you, the readers to help me out. Drop me some suggestions. Otherwise, we might be stuck in Best Buy bitching limbo. And no one wants that.

Giving the power to the people,
Z

Best Buy and Nazis: an Expose' (sp)

Well, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to just stand up and say, "hey Best Buy, I quit!" For me that day will be tomorrow. You see, this morning I had a job interview with a company called Intelex. Its not the best job in the world, being only temporary, but it is $13 bucks an hour, and that ain't bad from where I am standing. As I look back upon my short stint as a slave to the retail giant Best Buy, I notice certain similarities between the indoctrination recieved at the store, and the indoctrination recieved by the German people under the iron boot of the Nazi party. As many of you may know, I am a student of history. As such, I know that history repeats itself. Could Best Buy be positioning itself to make a move on the UN? I don't know, I can't see the future, but lets look at the similarities. The key to maintaining control, the Nazis realized, was to gain a firm grasp on the youth of the nation. Many of the employees of Best Buy have been working there since high school. To gain control of the youth, the Nazis, through the HJ's (Hitler Youth) gave the kids a place where they felt they belonged and were part of something great. Best Buy does much the same thing. This hit me Sunday morning at 7am. I was at the store for a holiday sales meeting, or as I like to call it a propaganda pep-rally. The managers were all wearing goofy halloween costumes. They preached about what needed to be done for Best Buy to come out on top in the Christmas season shopping war, and in between taught us Best Buy cheers. Luckily, due to my natural sleepiness and natural aversion to pep rally cheers, I saw through the bullshit. Sadly, most people did not. Most people appeared to be having a good old time. Like the Nazis, however, this was not for our benefit. The Nazis needed rabid killing machines for the inevitable war. Best Buy needs rabid salespeople for the inevitable holidays. Here is an example of how the wool can be pulled over the eyes of the poor best buy employee: last Saturday, I made a big printer sale (an expensive printer, the cables, some ink, and the service plan), before long I was praised for this sale by three different supervisors. When I was recieving the praise I was like, "yeah, alright! I need to sell more printers, to recieve more praise." The problem is that the praise is empty, it gave me a warm mindless feeling that I was part of the team and that was all. Did I make any money off of it? Hell no. I just made the Best Buy corporation probably $210 and I did't see squat. They have replaced the system in which hard work equals big pay, with a system in which hard work equals a feeling of belonging. Nazism at its best, or worst, I mean worst (except for the hate and killing). Anyhow, enough of this, I have ranted for long enough. I will include one of the cheers I learned below...form your own judgements.

Tellin' it like it is,
Z

The "7-3-1" cheer:

*7 thigh slaps, 7 claps*
*3 thigh slaps, 3 claps*
*1 thigh slap, 1 clap* "BEST!"
*7 thigh slaps, 7 claps*
*3 thigh slaps, 3 claps*
*1 thigh slap, 1 clap* "BUY!"
*7 thigh slaps, 7 claps*
*3 thigh slaps, 3 claps*
*1 thigh slap, 1 clap* "BEST BUY!"
*1 thigh slap, 1 clap* "BEST BUY!"
*1 thigh slap, 1 clap* "BEST BUY!"

eh...

Yankees Fuckin' Baseball

Well, it has been a while since I have posted. I apologize for that, but really you should feel sorry for me, because if I am not bloggin' then nothing is going on. Last night, however, was a good time. It was Wednesday so naturally I went to Average Joe's. The thing is, Ray was closing at Blockbuster, and, well, Jae works till 11:30 m-f. Thus, I went and hung out there with some guys I know that went to Hanover. So I sit down at the bar with these guys, and not long after this really drunk dude starts yammering away at us about "Yankees fuckin' baseball" (he must have said that about 75 times, and loud). I hate the Yankees, and this dude won't shut up. His name was Ogga (I have no idea how you actually spell it). So Ogga was pretty good and sauced but he decided that he wanted to buy us a round of shots. Now this wasn't one of those, "hey would you guys like a shot" shots, it was a, "Oh, look, you just bought some shots and you are putting one in front of me" shot. Not only that, but it was my alcohol archnemesis: Vodka. Now nine times out of ten if I get sick from drinking, it is a good bet that some vodka was involved at some point. I didn't get sick last night though, no, I just got drunk, more drunk than I cared to get. About an hour later, Ray was on his way, and the other guys had just left so for about 20 minutes I was drunk at the bar alone. This led to some interesting random conversations ranging from Macho Man Randy Savage, to Lord of the Rings...you know really cool intellectual stuff. I mean leave it to me to get into some dorky conversation with a complete stranger. I talked about Star Wars with this dude for pete's sake. What the hell?! I was at a bar, I had on a leather jacket, I looked cool (or so I liked to think). I mean, a member of the opposite sex might have overheard! So much for my image of cool guy who drinks beer, and shoots pool. Oh well, I am blowing this out of proportion, I am not exactly the fonze or anything. My point is that it was all Ogga's fault. Yankees fuckin' baseball? More like fuckin' Yankees baseball. Yeah! So take that! I am just like so clever, I amaze myself even!

OOOOOooooh Yeeee-ahh,
Z

*No free cruise, I was lying.

The True Glory that is the Mexican Restaurant

Well, yesterday was not all that eventful, I woke, tooled around for awhile, tooled around for awhile longer, and got my grandma's car washed. The high point of the day was definately the trip to the Mexican Restaurant. Now this wasn't Don Pablos, that is not a Mexican restaurant, it is an evil corporation that is out to decieve the american public into thinking that it is ok to spend $11 on enchiladas. But I digress. No, this was a real mexican restaurant. I had burritos (unfortunately they did not have the burrito loco, so I just got the burrito that sounded the craziest. Because I love crazy burritos) and they were pretty good. The waitress spilled beer on me, and it was cold. Where am I going with this? I am not really going anywhere. What was I thinking? The only thing eventful was the waitress spilling beer on me, and well, that cat is out of the bag. Man, "mexican restaurant entry"? That was such a bad idea, maybe if I got like really really drunk it could have been funny...maybe. But alas I didn't. So, I guess there is really no point in continuing this. Hmm, I at least need to go out on a zinger, to make up for the sucky nature of this entry. Lets see. Damn it, I've got nothing. Kung Fu villains are so much better for material.

The Original Conquistador,
Z

Goats, and Kung Fu Villains

Well, as most of you already know, the Cubs lost last night. The atmosphere at Average Joe's was pretty somber, so I can only imagine what it must have been like in Chicago. I am sure no one took the loss quite as hard as that dude who caught the ball. He is going to need to change his name and get some plastice surgery or something. Oh well, at least now he can say his life can be summarized by one moment.

"So, I graduated top of my class at Yale, won the pulizter (sp), I am working on a cure for cancer...oh, and I caught that ball in game 6."
"That was you?! Oh man, your such an idiot!"
"Yep, that pretty much sums it up."

I worked again today (unfortunately, much of my new material will be coming from my job). Today the only thing of note was when the salesman that I was shadowing sold a laptop to a crew of Kung Fu villains. I know what your thinking, how did I know they were Kung Fu villains. Well, you weren't there. If you had been I assure you it would have been immediately obvious to you as well. First of all, they were all asian (now don't get me wrong, asian does not a Kung Fu villain make). The first guy was short, had on a brightly colored shirt and baggy pants, and he was missing most of his index finger (a classic villain trademark). The second guy, and probably the most dangerous of the lot, wore sun glasses in the store, had long hair pulled back into a pony tail, and only had one arm. I can only pity the poor Kung Fu hero that ran into his matrix-style one armed fury. Finally, there was the leader, I could tell he was the leader because he was the one that was talking to us, although he did talk to the first Kung Fu villain a couple of times (the one armed badass kept completely quiet). Also, he had that kind of Kung Fu villain charm, seemingly friendly at first but then when you least expect it he kills your best friend/father/some other person who you must avenge. Anyhow, he wanted this compaq laptop and as we were walking to check and see if we had it in stock, the leader said, "If you don't have it in stock, I kill you. I have 9mm right here, haw haw haw!" I rest my case: Kung Fu villains all. That was pretty much it for today. Come back next time to see if he tries to return the laptop and to defend my honor and the honor of the store, we must do battle. I wonder how effective new Best Buy employee style Kung Fu is? Perhaps I'll never know.

From the East point of Shaolin,
Z

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words, but Costs a Thousand Two Hundred and Fifty with the Service Plan

Well, I just finished my second 8 hour shift at Best Buy. Man, my feet hurt. I was seriously standing the whole time, and we have to wear nice shoes. Today wasn't as bad a yesterday though. You realize that before each business day, the crew of Best Buy gathers at the front and then brings it in like some sports team, while some guy yells, "BIG DOG!" and everyone else yells "WOOF WOOF!!" Creepy. Yeah, well, I didn't have to do that today, because I closed rather than opened. There was one strange experience worth note. I got a monitor down for some dude, and well, (as embarassed as I am about it) we started talking about the various qualities of monitors. This segwayed into a really dorky conversation about computer games with him and his wife. Then, out of nowhere this dude says all quiet like, "so mike, you every think about making money some other way?" Well, I didn't quite know how to take that. My first thought was that he and his wife were propositioning me for some kind of nerdy threesome. Thankfully *dramatic pause* that was not the case. He was in fact offering me a job working for his e-business. It just all seemed rather shady so I quietly told him to piss off. Ok, actually I told him no, but it would have been cooler if I was like "piss off!" Anyhow, nothing else from the day was very noteworthy. Jae got a car! Thats noteworthy, now I don't have to drive him everywhere! Yipee! Tune in for the next entry where I tell the hilarious story of me trying to carry a printer down a ladder!!!

Still afraid of heights,
Z

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words, but I am Choked up on One

For some reason the spirit moved me this evening to look at the pictures I have stored on my computer. I haven’t done this for a while, so it seemed a good idea. I realized as I looked through them how much my life has changed just in the last few months. I looked like a different person; much happier, much more optimistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed, in fact I still have plenty of good times. The part that kills me are the many faces that have drifted away from me. Some of these people I have only had contact with a few times, some none at all, and others I will never see or hear again. These wonderful people that I spent so much time with, and shared so many experiences. I am choked up on one word, and it is goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye to old friends or family. I know that it is an integral part of human existence, and I will cope with it. For tonight though, here’s to old friends and loved ones.

Homecoming is for Drinking

Well, as many of you may know, I graduated from Hanover College last May. The fact that I can't get a real job aside, there is at least one perk to having gone to school there. It is called homecoming as an alumnus. The day started off with some light drinking in the parking lot outside the football stadium (more like field). There were guys there that I hadn't seen in 2 years, including one that brought his own home brewed beer. It was an IPA, and more importantly, it was 10% alcohol, which if you don't already know is about twice the normal amount. The great advantage of doing this all as an alum is that campus security has a strict "look the other way policy (we want their money)." Anyhow, after the IPA got the party rolling, we decided to hit the bars. So, by 4:30 pm we were on our way to a slightly horrifying bar called Johnny Rebs. At $2.75, the pitchers were quite the bargain. Unfortunatly, the Cubs lost game 4 during this time, so the whole experience is a bit tainted. Also tainting this experience was my ole' buddy Pille making me pay for 2 games of pool after I won. Curses! The death blow to the JRs trip, however, came when just about the entire population of Hanover (the town, not the school) came into the bar. Now this was an interesting crowd, but what was really interesting was that they were all their for some sort of hick auction. None of the items were anything I ever expected to see being auctioned off. There were items like teddy bears, and paper bags full of mystery items. The question occurred to me, "why would you bid on a teddy bear that you could get at Wal-mart for under 10 bucks?" There was also a raffle to "win a hundred dollar bill." What soured this deal was that to stay for this bizarre auctioning off of inexpensive household goods, you had to pay $5. We pounded our beers and headed South...west, south-west.

Onward to downtown Madison Indiana, my old home. Once there we met up with some people who had decided to skip Johnny Rebs, and went to sketchy bar number 2: Shipley's Tavern. Now I would give you a timestamp on this, but by now we had been drinking for probably 5-6 hours, and the passage of time became some what hazy. At Shipley's I destoyed some fraternity brothers at that bar bowling game. Thats right a cool 187 points took the game. Then a heated discussion broke out about Bowling for Columbine. I'll just keep my opinions to myself on that one. That guy just exudes controversy (which is why I hate him). Anyhow, we killed a few pitchers at Shipley's and then decided to head over to a house party across the street. They had a keg, and I drank a good number of beers off of it. I talked about all kinds of stuff there. The thing is that by this point unless something really interesting happened in the night, I can't really remember it. I just remember standing around and talking. I did talk about computers for awhile, that must have been interesting. hmmm. Anyhow, for some weird reason, when we left the house party, we decided to go to the winery of all places. "hey we've been drinking beer since noon today, wouldn't it be a great idea to go and drink some wine." On the way there we saw some police trying to break up a fight or something. It was like a scene from cops. Very exciting. The wine was good, although it took our drunkeness to the next plataeu. I don't really remember much more from the winery. It was pretty dark. There was wine. Hmmm.

I know this story is dragging on quite a bit, but I'm getting to the juicy stuff, the real drunken shennanegans (sp) that you have been waiting to hear about. When we left the winery somehow we decided to go up campus and check out the Sigma Chi house. I bummed a few beers off an aquaintance there and continued to drink. This was a pretty fun trip, just bounce from room to room, talking to people I hadn't seen in a while. Then I saw something strange. I peeked my head into a room, and there on the couch was my friend Johnny (who I had come to sig with). He was on the couch and on him was a girl trying as hard as she could to molest him. In the mean time, Johnny is squirming and dodging, trying hard to escape. He looked up at me and mouthed the words "help me." Thinking quickly I left the room before the girl noticed I was there. I then staggered back into the room feigning acute intoxication. I then sat down on another couch hard. I sat there for a moment with my face in my hands. Then announced that I was going to be sick and took off on a mad stagger through the hall. "I have to go help my friend," said Johnny as he broke free and tore off after me. We made it to the bathroom, and I made fake puking sounds, which was really unneccessary. At the time, however, it seemed the thing to do. After this incident I continued the ruse, and every once in a while would come to to talk to someone. Eventually I got board of it though, and dropped the act. I think I was pretty convincing, because through the haze of drunkeness, I do remember several people walking up to me after I dropped it and asking me what happened, they thought I was really sick. Acting!

Okay, this is really dragging on, dear reader, so I will skip the trip to beta for a sandwich. Needless to say, at this point none of us were good to drive, and the driver who took us to campus had long since returned downtown. Thus, we called a taxi. It took about 45 minutes to get there, and as we were watching the car roll up we noticed something strange...it turned and was going down another road. That is how three drunken guys came to be running, full tilt, across Hanover's campus at 4 am. We did catch him though, and thanks to an oversight on the part of Pille (the cheapskate from pool) who accidentally put in $20, we got the ride for free and some Hinkles, too. I didn't feel too bad about it, after all, he once ditched me at a bar in Louisville. Thats pretty much it, I woke up the next morning miraculously hangover free, and drove home. I hope this story has been entertaining, bless you if you have made it this far. I always like to end these things on some sort of kooky note, so here goes. (5 minutes pass) Well crap, I can't think of anything. So...er...how about those cubs?

Probably still a little drunk,
Z

2 Movies, 2 Rooms

Well, this is a decieving title, because I actually watched like 4 or 5 movies on the day in question (Tuesday). I watched the Two Towers in its entirety early in the day, then went to see a sneak preview of School of Rock with Ray (which was actually a pretty good movie) that evening. On the way out of the theater, however, I recieved a call from Jae saying that our friend Sarah, who is going to be in Africa for the next two years with the peace corps, and she wanted us to come down with some movies and watch them. So, I asked Ray to drop me off at the video store. He did, and also came in to lend his expertise to the selection process. Jae immediately went for a movie called Cube 2: Hypercube, and according to Ray, He and Yoosuk thought that the original was super tight. Nevertheless, I was hesitant about this movie as often sequels fail to live up the the glory of the original. I thought that as a back up plan I would rent another movie. But what to get? The back up movie would have to be solid, but I didn't feel like renting anything I had already seen. Ray recommended a movie called Tape which was supposed to be really good. Everything was going fine.

We drove down to the south side of town where Sarah lives, and popped in Cube 2: Hypercube. Well, almost from the outset, this movie sucked bad. Real bad. This poor guy named Jerry died like 10 times, and he was the only likeable character. Other than that, the movie crawled on at a snails pace, and as the title of this entry suggests, it all took place in one room...you guessed it: a cube. We would have turned this sack of shit off, but we just had to figure out what was going on, and we figured there would be an explaination at the end. Well, let me save you two hours of excruciating boredom, they don't explain anything. So, with that out of the way, we figured what the hell, lets pop in that other movie, it will seem great after watching Cube 2: Hypercube. The problem with this movie was that the entire film was set in Ethan Hawke's character's hotel room. Having just watched Cube 2: Hypercube, this was more than we could take. I bet its a good movie, but we just needed some scenery. So we watched the first half of The Emperor's New Groove instead. Those crazy cartoons! HA! The end.

Watching you when you sleep,
Z