Monday, March 13, 2006
Dizzy
You know those adds for some insurance company? "Life comes at you fast" is the slogan. Well, I can tell you, I know exactly how that feels. It seems to me that not a day goes by where I don't get some new curveball thrown at me. Its not just the unexpected stuff either. A lot of these things are things that happen to me everyday and just tend to wear me down. I mean, my needs, or rather my wants, since needs would be more like food, shelter, etc., are rather basic, if contradictory. I want to be able to hang out with friends in various social settings (sometimes involving getting fucked up), and go to the gym. Of course there are other things as well, like I want to play video games, and I want to watch movies, and I want to go shopping, but these things are less important to me. In truth, I do get to spend a lot of time with my friends, and given the choice, I would always take that. The problem is I don't seem to have the time or certainly the energy to do both. Factor in my renewed interest in smoking a lot, and you have a lack of gym attendence. If you find it difficult to understand, why this is so important to me, then allow me to explain. It isn't just about being healthy, although that is a huge part of it. For the last year of my life, a great deal of the time I spent outside of work was spent at the gym. It was a place for me to sweat it out. In Japan, when I was frustrated, I would often be able to work those frustration out at the gym. Now, I find myself constantly frustrated by a wide variety of factors, most notably my job (which I love [and that I think is a huge part of the problem]). I am frustrated by my job, but due to the immense ammount of energy that I expend there, I am mostly too tired by the end of the day to actually get into the gym. Also, the gym is a couple of miles out of my way. So the frustration builds, and builds, and builds, and I see no end to it. And so, I have been drinking more than usual, which means i will smoke more. The more I smoke the harder it is to get into the gym. The less I go to the gym and put myself through the rigors of physical exercise the less motivated I am to stop smoking. So I have worked myself into this downward spiralling cycle that propetuates itself. I have done all of this for the chance to make a lot of money, and I want that. I didn't include it before with my major wants, but that is something that I want. I want lots of money becuase I am not good with money and I don't want to have to worry about it. I want lots of money for security, for me and my family and whatever future family I may have. I feel a responsibility to myself to be successful, and while there are other means to being successful, I have not yet seen any of those that I particularly excel at. So money it is.
The problem is this again. I don't go to the gym anymore. I don't go, and I felt like that was one of the few good things that I did these days. I mean I like to think that my presence and commentary is a positive thing for my friends and family, but it is different. How do I explain this. The gym had become like my church, the place I centered myself, the place I went to feel good about myself and the world. Now don't take that to mean I have any crazy ideas about some kind of fitness god. The solution is clear, I have to get back in. But I am so drained constantly, all I want to do is to hang around, drink beer, and play video games. I need to take action though, I am losing my results. I need a plan. Nothing has works so far, but I am sure that it will. I am now going to post this. Sorry, this has been long and winding, and may not make much sense. I am doing this in more of therepuetic mode, so I can get to the bottom of whatever is eating me.
Z
You know those adds for some insurance company? "Life comes at you fast" is the slogan. Well, I can tell you, I know exactly how that feels. It seems to me that not a day goes by where I don't get some new curveball thrown at me. Its not just the unexpected stuff either. A lot of these things are things that happen to me everyday and just tend to wear me down. I mean, my needs, or rather my wants, since needs would be more like food, shelter, etc., are rather basic, if contradictory. I want to be able to hang out with friends in various social settings (sometimes involving getting fucked up), and go to the gym. Of course there are other things as well, like I want to play video games, and I want to watch movies, and I want to go shopping, but these things are less important to me. In truth, I do get to spend a lot of time with my friends, and given the choice, I would always take that. The problem is I don't seem to have the time or certainly the energy to do both. Factor in my renewed interest in smoking a lot, and you have a lack of gym attendence. If you find it difficult to understand, why this is so important to me, then allow me to explain. It isn't just about being healthy, although that is a huge part of it. For the last year of my life, a great deal of the time I spent outside of work was spent at the gym. It was a place for me to sweat it out. In Japan, when I was frustrated, I would often be able to work those frustration out at the gym. Now, I find myself constantly frustrated by a wide variety of factors, most notably my job (which I love [and that I think is a huge part of the problem]). I am frustrated by my job, but due to the immense ammount of energy that I expend there, I am mostly too tired by the end of the day to actually get into the gym. Also, the gym is a couple of miles out of my way. So the frustration builds, and builds, and builds, and I see no end to it. And so, I have been drinking more than usual, which means i will smoke more. The more I smoke the harder it is to get into the gym. The less I go to the gym and put myself through the rigors of physical exercise the less motivated I am to stop smoking. So I have worked myself into this downward spiralling cycle that propetuates itself. I have done all of this for the chance to make a lot of money, and I want that. I didn't include it before with my major wants, but that is something that I want. I want lots of money becuase I am not good with money and I don't want to have to worry about it. I want lots of money for security, for me and my family and whatever future family I may have. I feel a responsibility to myself to be successful, and while there are other means to being successful, I have not yet seen any of those that I particularly excel at. So money it is.
The problem is this again. I don't go to the gym anymore. I don't go, and I felt like that was one of the few good things that I did these days. I mean I like to think that my presence and commentary is a positive thing for my friends and family, but it is different. How do I explain this. The gym had become like my church, the place I centered myself, the place I went to feel good about myself and the world. Now don't take that to mean I have any crazy ideas about some kind of fitness god. The solution is clear, I have to get back in. But I am so drained constantly, all I want to do is to hang around, drink beer, and play video games. I need to take action though, I am losing my results. I need a plan. Nothing has works so far, but I am sure that it will. I am now going to post this. Sorry, this has been long and winding, and may not make much sense. I am doing this in more of therepuetic mode, so I can get to the bottom of whatever is eating me.
Z
